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July 28, 2012

Almost exactly two years later… 🙂

It’s a fact that is both disconcerting yet comforting at the same time. Life is a paradox, and no more do I feel it than with this homecoming. Two years ago today, I left Italy for the first time. I lamented to myself every time I heard Simple Plan ubiquitously sing

My heart is sinking
As I’m lifting up
Above the clouds away from you
And I can’t believe I’m leaving
Oh I don’t kno-kno-know what I’m gonna do

Back then, I hated the fact that I had to leave the peace and serenity that Urbino had introduced into my life, and I wondered how this “Urbino Daniele” would mesh with hectic American society. I wondered if I would laugh as often as I had during those last six months, if could simply be when I wanted to be, instead of always looking to the next challenge. In Italy, life was not a game to be won but a gift to be cherished. Would I find this joy back home?

The joy that I initially did find in conventional love quickly was overshadowed by, yes, the pressure to look ahead to that next challenge…..

I did not know where the next bridge would lead….

By the grace of God, I found a bridge: a bridge that ascended to Him. Through Senior Retreat and a fortuitous e-mail from a dear priest friend at Assumption, I was led back to Italy looking to rediscover the Daniele I had left there previously, but hoping that, this time, He would do even more….Throughout my cammino in its beautiful cities of Firenze, Roma, and Bergamo, I kept contemplating upon God as a refiner who was holding me to His fire, burning away what was old and replacing it with a new heart, a renewed purpose, a true vocation…..

“And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’” – Zechariah 13:9 “So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” – 1 Peter 1:7

As I’ve confirmed many times throughout this cammino, God works best through other people. And I had some master “refiners” in Italy: my brothers in Borgo Pinti, my sisters at the convent down the street,  my friends in FUCI and le Sentinelle, my Prato Retreat Family, my family of worship at our chapel, the Hounds who came to AC-Rome and the professors and administrators who accompanied them, many Stateside Hounds as well, my brothers and sisters at the General House, my cousin and his community in Cassinone, and, last but certainly not least, my family.

All of these angels welded me into who I am today. I came to Firenze looking for direction. As I boarded Icelandair last June, I was prepared to suspend all preconceived notions of how my future would unfold. I simply wanted to fulfill that deep desire that I had first felt on Senior Retreat: to “set the table,” to serve others through God. In this great beautiful body we call our Mother Church, St. Paul says that everyone has an important part to play. We need our eyes, our hands, our feet, our ears, our nose….There is no such thing as an ecclesiastical appendix. At least, I hoped so…..

Yes, I also wanted to achieve deeper communion with you, carissima Italia, but above all I wanted to get closer to God. That’s what the ever-present hashtag “#GodFirstBro” meant. It is a combination of my two desires: to achieve once again that serenity and peace that I had found in these streets….

but also to focus on Him above all (pun intended 😉 ). And what a backdrop to do it in. Italia, you are my siren:

like Odysseus and his men, I can’t resist you. 11 months after you had first hypnotized me, I ripped off my ropes again and rushed into your arms. Because you’re beautiful: your people, your parties, your food, your faith, your sense of community, your weather, your natural wonders, your fashion, your fandom, your artistic patrimony, your history….You are my ruby of many facets….

This makes perfect sense 😉

But like a siren, you also have your foibles. We all do. It pains me to see a country that deserves effective change, new life, have to wait for its own renaissance because a few people think life is about groveling for titles and prestige over common good….. 😦 I pray that you see a new dawn soon….

My new dawn came when this desire to serve started to become more than a hope and actually became a possibility. In the final weeks in Italy, I told everyone,

I never felt more whole than I did in Firenze. I never felt more me than I did in the convent.

It’s a testament to my brothers’ faith and their belief in community that I was able to find the family I never knew I had always wanted.

That’s the amazing thing about this cammino: none of it was my doing. God dared me to dream, He put hopes in my heart that I didn’t even know I had, then He gave me the grace to see those hopes come to light. I never asked Him, “Mold me because I’m super fly.” If anything, it was completely the opposite. God knows I’m not perfect. Sometimes I think I’m too idealistic and not practical enough; I know that sometimes fear holds me back; I will be turning 24 in a month, but sometimes I think I should catch up to my age, at least mentally….Being a kid at heart isn’t always a good thing…..

God knows I’m not perfect. And, if previous Church history is any indication, He’s down with that:

But that doesn’t mean I can sit back and let Him have me as I am. Such a loving, merciful, and accepting God should make us want to be even better for Him. Yes, I’ve grown in knowledge of my interior life in Christ in Italy. But I still have much to learn about life life.

And instead of despairing over the fact that life in America is way more hectic than it was this past year, that it feels like I haven’t had a moment to just be yet because many preoccupations about the immediate future are swirling in my head (as they should), I will take this situation  for what it is, with serenity. I may not be perfect, but achieving the best version of myself for Christ is something I can totally get behind. My mission statement for the future will be drawn from the wisdom of Father D’Alzon, from his notes taken while planning the first Constitutions:

“The goal of our Order is clearly expressed by the fourth vow to work with all our strength to extend the reign of Jesus Christ in souls: in ours first, then those of our brothers and of all Christians….to work for one’s own perfection while extending the reign of Jesus Christ in souls…”

Yes, coming back is jarring. But life is sometimes. In the past few days, my heart has hurt as I think about what I left behind, what has become such a part of my story….But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to feel these moments of pain. Because they are signs that I did something that truly mattered, that I truly opened myself up to this experience and let Him have His way with me. You often find freedom when you give up all control….It hurts because I felt, and feel, alive. In the words of John Green

“The good times and the bad times both will pass. It will pass. It will get easier. But the fact that it will get easier does not mean that it doesn’t hurt now. And when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, that it won’t get better. Because it will.”

And while some may look at me like I have six heads when I say, “I want to trust in God’s providence,” with regards to my future, trusting in His providence doesn’t mean sitting back, chillin’ out in the passenger seat: it means putting your best foot forward in everything He leads you to, knowing that, “Tutto è grazia,” or “Everything is grace.”

Trust Me, bro! 🙂

Even the hard times are seen in a new light when seen with His eyes. He is the best teacher; every moment is an opportunity for further growth. Because, as Padre Sandro said,

“Daniele, it’s not about what you do. It’s about who you are.”

Life isn’t about what you build. It’s about the hearts you build. Going forward, I will focus on continuing this cammino dell’essere, looking first and foremost to Him. Because He came through in Italy. Why would now be any different? God never fails, man 🙂

The theme song of this part of my cammino. Simply and deeply: thank you, Lord 🙂 ❤

Two Halves Make a Whole :)

As my return to America gets closer and closer, I come to another Fourth of July. I feel like the Big Boss is teasing me, saying, “Oh, here it is again! 🙂 🙂 🙂 That holiday that your brothers and sisters back home are all gearing up for: firing up the grills, buying the T-bone steaks and burgers, watching the sky turn into a technicolor show, and most importantly, remembering the sacrifices that led to many blessings….”