“Do Not Be Afraid!”

There is a saying in Italian, “Tra il dire e il fare c’è di mezzo il mare.” literally translated, “Between saying and doing there lies an ocean.” Some may compare it to the English, “Easier said than done,” but I think it is even more specific. The proverb warns that there is plenty of room for things to go wrong….

As I prepared to leave Italy two weeks ago, I reassured myself, “Oh, it won’t be so hard now because I’ve been through this before.” I was confident that I knew what was coming, that the transition would be seamless…

Oh no, bro! 😮 😛 I wasn’t giving God enough credit. After a year of listening, of trying to follow His will, of being worked upon by His grace, how could I tell myself, “Oh, it will be easier?” There’s a moment of awe, of fear of the unknown, that I felt during some truly seminal experiences of grace in Firenze. Coming home was the same story. Yes, returning is a blessing, but not without a cost. For the first two weeks back in the States, I felt like an orphan: I missed my brothers, I missed the freedom I found in Italy, a serenity that is above my expression, I missed those beautiful cities I had made my own. In the first two weeks, I felt like I had been ripped away from Italia. Now I would adapt….

But I was so wrong to think that I could do it alone. To those who texted me, “When can I see you?” 🙂 I responded, “Not yet…Give me time….” This may seem selfish, and that’s because it was. Yes, I needed time to come home from Italia, but I was also stupid to think that I could simply temporarily close the door on the friends I loved.

Especially since, as this past weekend back “home” showed me, they would be the ones who could do most to help me keep alive the Spirit I had discovered in Firenze. With their help, I would keep its memory, its lessons, in my heart. And God knew it too, because by his grace a soul sister who had studied in Rome during my cammino volunteered to pick me up at Union Station 🙂 🙂 🙂 It was a clear full circle moment, a sign that yes, I may have left Italia behind, but He knows how much this year meant.

And then, having arrived at Assumption, I came to the Augustine House and got yet another super hug from yet another guide on this journey, an Assumptionist brother who accompanied me in prayer and counsel during this period of rebirth. His care really showed me that, even from 4,000 miles away, the College will always be home for me.

VIVA BRO RO!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

And it’s a feeling that I was relieved to feel when I walked around campus late Friday night with him, as we talked about his role in campus ministry, how the students give him so much joy and hope in his own spiritual journey. As I walked past the Chapel, Kennedy, the D’Alzon Library, and the Admissions House, I thought back to my friends who had warned me when I was in Italy, “Daniele, the first time you go back to Assumption is really weird. It’s not the same…. 😮 😦 ” And I empathized with them, knowing that Assumption without the dear friends who colored my years there would not be the same Assumption. How could it be?

But as I walked around campus, my brother and I the only voices heard, I realized: the spirit of Assumption is still here for me. That’s why it didn’t feel so disconcerting after all. What was the greatest gift the College gave me during my four years there? A renewed faith, the foundation of an enduring friendship with God. So, yes, none of my friends were on campus that night. But one of my most important friends still was, because He never left 😉 ❤ For me, He was still the center of the College….

As we walked together, my brother told me what a joy it had been to work with students that past year. He told me, “Daniele, the students at Assumption are very important to our mission. Because they bring joy, which gives us strength. I really love being here. They even call me ‘Bro Ro!’ 😀 😀 😀 ” He also reaffirmed how joy is essential in religious life. We live by it, and we are called to give it to others. One of my fondest memories of Firenze is how every meal with my brothers was filled with laughter, singing, and smiles, which would keep going all the way through washing dishes together 🙂 Well, when I came to the Augustine House and I sat down to eat, the laughter and the joy that have come to define Assumptionist community life for me were present in beautiful force. 🙂 God calls us to take that joy and use it to proclaim the Gospel. My brother and I joked about how no one would want to join the family of our Mother Church if they felt the patriarch was so stern and cold…. 🙂 I said to my brother, “The joy that I’ve felt, that I feel, comes from the knowledge that God saw more than I saw in myself, He changed me, He helps me, and He has given me something to strive for, to live for….” In conjunction with this, we obviously mentioned Pope Francis and his mission to bring people back to Him….

The joy of evangelizing always arises from grateful remembrance: it is a grace which we constantly need to implore. The apostles never forgot the moment when Jesus touched their hearts: “It was about four o’clock in the afternoon” (Jn 1:39) (#13)

Proclaiming Christ means showing that to believe in and to follow him is not only something right and true, but also something beautiful, capable of filling life with new splendour and profound joy, even in the midst of difficulties. (#129)

Part of this call involves not dumping your personal struggles onto other people: lighten the baggage, not add to it 😉 which got me thinking about my Eeyore habit when I encounter emotional stress. You can see it on my face and in (some) of my words and actions

I acted like Eeyore in the first weeks back from the States. I was depressed, but I should know not to air my dirty emotions in public, especially if my desires for the future require that I “put on Christ.” I would like to sincerely apologize to all those who were affected….

Thankfully, the dark clouds that I came into the weekend with were all dispelled and replaced by a sun of new hope, trust that I would in fact find a place to serve God, to make my life matter the best way I could. As I was preparing to return to the States, many of my Italian family members took stock of this renewed Daniele and asked questions such as “What is the Assumption all about? I mean, what do you actually do?” And I felt ashamed because I could never give them the straight answer they wanted, not because I wasn’t passionate and knowledgable about the Assumption, but because you can’t put the Congregation’s charism into a stock response. It always turns into a long “Daniele-sized” discussion 😛 Having fielded these questions, it was a great relief to here Father Claude say,

“When Fr. D’Alzon himself was asked to define the Assumptionists, he never quite knew how. There is a long list. We cannot define ourselves by what we do. We have many different focuses. [Father D’Alzon] didn’t focus on what we did. His focus was on who we are.”

Sitting there in the conference room, I almost shed a tear because it was as if I was back in our cloister in Firenze, sitting with Padre Sandro one last time, and he told me,

In religious life, doing doesn’t matter. Being matters, coherence between what one thinks, says, and does. It doesn’t matter if you are a chimney sweep or an engineer, but if you are a good chimney sweep, a good engineer.”

With Fr. Claude’s words, I knew: Firenze might be in the rearview, but this cammino still had other chapters to discover. In the immediate return to America, I felt lost, floating without a purpose. This past weekend added more fuel to the fire, breathing new life into Firenze’s gifts of grace…. ❤ 🙂

But to end it there would do the brothers from Assumption and Brighton a disservice. They not only helped me to find my center again, but they also gave me hope for the road ahead. During the homily at Friday’s Mass, centered around Herod’s beheading of John the Baptist, Fr. Claude explained that Herod had acted out of fear. He told us that we should never act out of fear, because there was nothing to fear by virtue of our Lord’s ultimate conquest of death. That sacrifice is the greatest sign of hope ever given to mankind. Repeatedly, he alluded to Saint John Paul II’s powerful exhortation, “DO NOT BE AFRAID!”

Throughout the weekend, it was reinforced that the Assumption meets people where they are, they help them to become the best person they can be for Christ. Dudes, this isn’t just publicity. It’s real, because I lived this charism in Florence. Fr. Claude talked to us about the triple love of the Assumption (love of Jesus, love of his mother Mary, and love of his spouse, the Church), but what remains in me from that weekend is this new hope, and a desire to keep giving more of myself to Christ, to this unique mission. In the Assumption, it was explained, there is a special affinity with the Incarnation, that amazing mystery where Christ became man. The spirit of God lives within us, and we are called to invite others to have that same kind of relationship. The Assumption is truly a big family where everyone is welcomed, everyone is mixed in 🙂 As Father Miguel stated,

“The gift of God is always His life, but it takes on different expressions in different people.”

This inclusiveness of the Assumption was brought home to me in my brother Henry’s response to Fr. Claude’s question, “When I ask you to draw an image of the Church today, what do you come up with?” When it was time to show our handiwork, Henry explained, “I drew Mater Ecclesiae, our Mother Church! 🙂 She is a mother coking for all her kids, making sure all of them, regardless of differences, get fed!” 🙂 🙂 🙂

That’s what I love about the Assumption and the universal Church: its call to acceptance, tolerance, love. When I look back at Firenze in the future, I will never cease to be amazed at how I came into Borgo Pinti (a little wary of the commitment in religious life, wondering if I really was fit to make such a choice, make the sacrifices involved….) versus how I left it (absolutely “hooked” on Assumptionist community life and my brothers’ mission). Yes, there was a lot of prayer that went into this change, but most of the credit goes to my brothers: they took me under their wings, they nurtured me by example, they showed me that yes, I could join them in deeper communion with God. One of my dear friends from Assumption who came on the retreat said,

“Daniele, I really like how the Assumption meets you where you are.”

This Congregation takes you as you are and inspires you to be better, a reflection of Christ. At Assumption College, many of the brothers there ask themselves, “How do you make students fall in love with Jesus Christ, be formed in His image?” We must know who we are, but realize that we are also called for more. As Fr. D’Alzon explained before the first General Chapter meeting of the Assumption,

As a soul purifies itself of its faults, Jesus Christ, the true light who enlightens all men coming into the world, manifests to it in a more admirable manner both the perfection of God and the soul’s debt in his regard. At the same time he gives it greater energy to accomplish its duties, which it now perceives more clearly. As it requires a greater knowledge of God and his perfections, the soul wants to know him all the more….

The Kingdom of God within us is the most absolute dependence of our being and all our faculties on the intimate action of God….What do we have that does not belong to him? What do we possess that we ought not to consecrate freely and voluntarily to him? Since freedom is probably the most precious of all his gifts, and since he has a right to what is most excellent in us, it is above all by our freedom that we give him the greatest honor. Admirable mystery, in which God gives us ever greater freedom to the extent that we allow him to reign more perfectly over us and in which the perfection of our obedience is the source of the very perfection of our freedom.

When I read over Fr. D’Alzon’s notes for the first Constitutions of 1855, I was struck by his focus on divine perfection and man’s ability to attain it. Since entering grade school as a child, I’ve thought a lot about perfection, and even gave a talk on it during a START II retreat during my last year at the College. Consequently, I see myself in Fr. D’Alzon’s aim, and take great comfort in his response to it: we can never be perfect; only God is perfect. But with His help, we can steadily become better God Mirrors 😉 Our provincial superior put it most succinctly…..

I’ve never met a perfect Assumptionist, but we’re always called to be better Assumptionists….

This involves a continual conversion towards Christ. As I reflected on this call, I realized that the rebirths I had lived in Urbino and Florence did not just have to be isolated moments of grace. With God’s grace rebirth can become an essential part of one’s life. Living this charism is about more than just 6 months, 13 months, or four years. It is meant to guide us forever… 🙂

Already Home :)

July 28, 2012

Almost exactly two years later… 🙂

It’s a fact that is both disconcerting yet comforting at the same time. Life is a paradox, and no more do I feel it than with this homecoming. Two years ago today, I left Italy for the first time. I lamented to myself every time I heard Simple Plan ubiquitously sing

My heart is sinking
As I’m lifting up
Above the clouds away from you
And I can’t believe I’m leaving
Oh I don’t kno-kno-know what I’m gonna do

Back then, I hated the fact that I had to leave the peace and serenity that Urbino had introduced into my life, and I wondered how this “Urbino Daniele” would mesh with hectic American society. I wondered if I would laugh as often as I had during those last six months, if could simply be when I wanted to be, instead of always looking to the next challenge. In Italy, life was not a game to be won but a gift to be cherished. Would I find this joy back home?

The joy that I initially did find in conventional love quickly was overshadowed by, yes, the pressure to look ahead to that next challenge…..

I did not know where the next bridge would lead….

By the grace of God, I found a bridge: a bridge that ascended to Him. Through Senior Retreat and a fortuitous e-mail from a dear priest friend at Assumption, I was led back to Italy looking to rediscover the Daniele I had left there previously, but hoping that, this time, He would do even more….Throughout my cammino in its beautiful cities of Firenze, Roma, and Bergamo, I kept contemplating upon God as a refiner who was holding me to His fire, burning away what was old and replacing it with a new heart, a renewed purpose, a true vocation…..

“And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’” – Zechariah 13:9 “So that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” – 1 Peter 1:7

As I’ve confirmed many times throughout this cammino, God works best through other people. And I had some master “refiners” in Italy: my brothers in Borgo Pinti, my sisters at the convent down the street,  my friends in FUCI and le Sentinelle, my Prato Retreat Family, my family of worship at our chapel, the Hounds who came to AC-Rome and the professors and administrators who accompanied them, many Stateside Hounds as well, my brothers and sisters at the General House, my cousin and his community in Cassinone, and, last but certainly not least, my family.

All of these angels welded me into who I am today. I came to Firenze looking for direction. As I boarded Icelandair last June, I was prepared to suspend all preconceived notions of how my future would unfold. I simply wanted to fulfill that deep desire that I had first felt on Senior Retreat: to “set the table,” to serve others through God. In this great beautiful body we call our Mother Church, St. Paul says that everyone has an important part to play. We need our eyes, our hands, our feet, our ears, our nose….There is no such thing as an ecclesiastical appendix. At least, I hoped so…..

Yes, I also wanted to achieve deeper communion with you, carissima Italia, but above all I wanted to get closer to God. That’s what the ever-present hashtag “#GodFirstBro” meant. It is a combination of my two desires: to achieve once again that serenity and peace that I had found in these streets….

but also to focus on Him above all (pun intended 😉 ). And what a backdrop to do it in. Italia, you are my siren:

like Odysseus and his men, I can’t resist you. 11 months after you had first hypnotized me, I ripped off my ropes again and rushed into your arms. Because you’re beautiful: your people, your parties, your food, your faith, your sense of community, your weather, your natural wonders, your fashion, your fandom, your artistic patrimony, your history….You are my ruby of many facets….

This makes perfect sense 😉

But like a siren, you also have your foibles. We all do. It pains me to see a country that deserves effective change, new life, have to wait for its own renaissance because a few people think life is about groveling for titles and prestige over common good….. 😦 I pray that you see a new dawn soon….

My new dawn came when this desire to serve started to become more than a hope and actually became a possibility. In the final weeks in Italy, I told everyone,

I never felt more whole than I did in Firenze. I never felt more me than I did in the convent.

It’s a testament to my brothers’ faith and their belief in community that I was able to find the family I never knew I had always wanted.

That’s the amazing thing about this cammino: none of it was my doing. God dared me to dream, He put hopes in my heart that I didn’t even know I had, then He gave me the grace to see those hopes come to light. I never asked Him, “Mold me because I’m super fly.” If anything, it was completely the opposite. God knows I’m not perfect. Sometimes I think I’m too idealistic and not practical enough; I know that sometimes fear holds me back; I will be turning 24 in a month, but sometimes I think I should catch up to my age, at least mentally….Being a kid at heart isn’t always a good thing…..

God knows I’m not perfect. And, if previous Church history is any indication, He’s down with that:

But that doesn’t mean I can sit back and let Him have me as I am. Such a loving, merciful, and accepting God should make us want to be even better for Him. Yes, I’ve grown in knowledge of my interior life in Christ in Italy. But I still have much to learn about life life.

And instead of despairing over the fact that life in America is way more hectic than it was this past year, that it feels like I haven’t had a moment to just be yet because many preoccupations about the immediate future are swirling in my head (as they should), I will take this situation  for what it is, with serenity. I may not be perfect, but achieving the best version of myself for Christ is something I can totally get behind. My mission statement for the future will be drawn from the wisdom of Father D’Alzon, from his notes taken while planning the first Constitutions:

“The goal of our Order is clearly expressed by the fourth vow to work with all our strength to extend the reign of Jesus Christ in souls: in ours first, then those of our brothers and of all Christians….to work for one’s own perfection while extending the reign of Jesus Christ in souls…”

Yes, coming back is jarring. But life is sometimes. In the past few days, my heart has hurt as I think about what I left behind, what has become such a part of my story….But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want to feel these moments of pain. Because they are signs that I did something that truly mattered, that I truly opened myself up to this experience and let Him have His way with me. You often find freedom when you give up all control….It hurts because I felt, and feel, alive. In the words of John Green

“The good times and the bad times both will pass. It will pass. It will get easier. But the fact that it will get easier does not mean that it doesn’t hurt now. And when people try to minimize your pain they are doing you a disservice. And when you try to minimize your own pain you’re doing yourself a disservice. Don’t do that. The truth is that it hurts because it’s real. It hurts because it mattered. And that’s an important thing to acknowledge to yourself. But that doesn’t mean that it won’t end, that it won’t get better. Because it will.”

And while some may look at me like I have six heads when I say, “I want to trust in God’s providence,” with regards to my future, trusting in His providence doesn’t mean sitting back, chillin’ out in the passenger seat: it means putting your best foot forward in everything He leads you to, knowing that, “Tutto è grazia,” or “Everything is grace.”

Trust Me, bro! 🙂

Even the hard times are seen in a new light when seen with His eyes. He is the best teacher; every moment is an opportunity for further growth. Because, as Padre Sandro said,

“Daniele, it’s not about what you do. It’s about who you are.”

Life isn’t about what you build. It’s about the hearts you build. Going forward, I will focus on continuing this cammino dell’essere, looking first and foremost to Him. Because He came through in Italy. Why would now be any different? God never fails, man 🙂

The theme song of this part of my cammino. Simply and deeply: thank you, Lord 🙂 ❤

Two Halves Make a Whole :)

As my return to America gets closer and closer, I come to another Fourth of July. I feel like the Big Boss is teasing me, saying, “Oh, here it is again! 🙂 🙂 🙂 That holiday that your brothers and sisters back home are all gearing up for: firing up the grills, buying the T-bone steaks and burgers, watching the sky turn into a technicolor show, and most importantly, remembering the sacrifices that led to many blessings….”

A Whole New World

Those words floated ominously in my mind as the fateful day, June 7th, approached:

Daniele, I feel like your re-entry from Italy is going to be very traumatic…..

Saying this, Dr. Keeley was not wishing me bad luck. She would never do that. I’ve always said how throughout this cammino, every facet of my Assumption family (friends, administration, advisors, and professors) has been nothing but extremely supportive 🙂 ❤

Swim with My Spirit, Little Dude!

A year ago, as I was ironing out the logistics of my impending arrival to Florence, Brother Milad asked a pretty standard question, “So….When will you arrive in community?” I knew I wanted to give myself a few days to get things settled in Bergamo, to reconnect with family, to breathe that Cenate Sotto air again… 🙂 ❤ My flight had already been booked for June 3rd, so I suggested, “Is June 7th good? I want to spend some time with family beforehand…” Brother Milad and my brothers here graciously accepted, and my uncle, aunt, and I made the drive down to Florence on that day. When it came time to sign my volunteering contract, it said this part of my cammino would end on June 6th, 2014…. 😉

Never Far from Home

For the past week, as my journey in Florence comes to a close, I’ve been forced to ask myself a daunting question

Where do I go from here?

And not in the way you might think, from a practical, vocation-based, future-oriented perspective. If you’ve kept up with my blog, you know that “practical” isn’t an adjective used to describe me 😉 I’ve asked myself that question as friends have repeatedly hinted that Italy may end up being “the place” for me. There was one of my sister Hounds who came to visit me during Holy Week who said, while I was picking her up from the Santa Maria Novella train station,

Daniele, you look like you could live here forever. I’m surprised you’re even coming back to the States….

Finding My Nirvana

I still have dreams about it a year later…..and they all end the same way: eyes open, big smile, with that familiar skin tingle. It’s like happy chills 🙂 🙂 🙂 …. which make me want to get up, start groovin’, and get swept away all over again….. 🙂 🙂 🙂

We all have our ways of dealing with life’s stresses, life’s joys. In discernment, I’ve learned that we really can talk to God about anything, He wants us to. Like a priest at la Badia said during a homily,

We have to be daring in prayer! We have to ask Jesus for everything. Insist on Him, because He will help us purify our desires, only good things, He will lead me to ask for my true good. ‘Jesus said to his disciples: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which one of you would hand his son a stone when he asked for a loaf of bread, or a snake when he asked for a fish? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good things to those who ask him.'”

My Certainty in Uncertainty

If this is so….how have I been so blessed?

“For someone who says ‘the words just won’t come’..you seemed to have found a lot of words! 😛 ”

This was part of response to an e-mail I sent to my sister and co-rector on her birthday, predominantly thanking her for her amazing influence on this cammino. All those words that I used were just that: an attempt, a futile one at that, to try and get to the heart of what she has done for me. I use “futile” because, truly, everything I will ever say or write will never do justice to this reality of grace. Fr. Ciszek knows the truth of this new world God creates for you once you embrace Him:

There are movements of the soul, deeper than words can describe and yet more powerful than any reason, which can give a man to know beyond question or arguing or doubt that “digitus Dei est hic [the finger of God is here]”, and the name of that reality is grace. God does inspire men by his grace, does lift the heart, does enlighten the mind and move the will. Faith is required to accept that reality, but it is a reality nonetheless.

 

The Longest Mile

No, I’m not a Boston native. I do not follow the Red Sox, Bruins, and Patriots, and Celtics as if my soul lived and died with their successes and failures. Trust me, after spending four years at AC, being immersed in the culture, and growing up with a grandfather who would always tell me how the Sox were doing even if I didn’t really understand baseball and its overall point (HERE WE GO, TOOF! 😀 😀 😀 ), I know what Boston fandom feels like, how it can sweep you up in times of good results, make your days a little brighter, or put a damper on them when the Sox don’t even make the playoffs or when Manning and his Broncos send your boys packing…. 😥 😥 😥

A Time of Grace

“It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.” – Jesus
A modern interpretation of the Parable of the Pharisee and the Tax Collector! 🙂

I’m scared. Terrified, actually. This part of my cammino in Florence is almost over: I have less than two months left here. When I think about it, my heart breaks to know that I’ll have to leave my brothers, 6 amazing guys who’ve all built me from scratch. I came to Florence hoping to find a path of rebirth, hoping to find God again, and it’s because of them that I’ve fallen in love with the Big Boss.

In my future, if I can bring even half as much light into world as they do every day, I’ll be happy.